Therapy for Grief & Existential Pain

Grief is a part of the human experience, but for some of us who are DEPTH PROCESSORS & spiritually-minded, grief can become stuck & heavy in the body.

Poetically defined as a “DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL,” existential pain deserves a safe container to process & to find meaning & purpose.

Do not fear the darkness of grief. Grieving is an active process. Do not allow it to be something “happening to you,” but a process to ENGAGE.

befriending fear…

Daily life can quickly feel arbitrary when we are surrounded by cruelty & lack of compassion. When the world seems to be operating from black & white, good & bad thinking there is little room to grapple with your own values. There’s no short cuts in this very human experience. It takes courage to go beyond “good & bad,” to face your fears.

In this modern world perhaps you don’t have the support you need to express your deepest pain, doubt or disconnection from meaning & you’re longing to define your values on your own terms.

Alone-ness is not the antidote to this kind of pain…we enter the exploration of looking at your fear together.

existential pain…what are we talking about?

DEVELOPEMENTAL DEPRESSION

Humans have a vast capacity for spiritual connection, but there are many steps along the way, developmentally. For many a developmental depression arises in early adulthood & in midlife that creates searching & sometimes heavy mood.

One of the biggest mistakes we make is medicating this kind of “depression,” when what would be more appropriate is connection, refection & engaging the search for meaning. It may be difficult to puzzle out what is happening for any given individual, but we must not make assumptions.

This type of depression requires engagement with the “search” & reflection, deeper connection to Self.

COMPLICATED GRIEF

Grief is misunderstood by many in our culture. Grief is not one distinct emotion; grief is a process which includes many possible emotions…sadness, anger, regret, guilt, relief, etc.

Grief does take time, but time in itself will not heal “all wounds”…as the saying goes. Because grief is a process, it requires our attention & intentional action.

Avoiding grief, denying our feelings & allowing ourselves to respond to grief with fear leads to “complicated grief.” Also, feeding anger, blame, guilt & regret can lead to complicated grief.

Complicated grief is despair, depression & may manifest in actual disease processes, broken relationships, & inability to engage in life.

You may be stuck in complicated grief if you are stuck in “why” & “what if” rumination…”why did this have to happen?" “what if I had said this instead…?”

DISCONNECTION FROM SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOURSELF

There are endless ways to feel connected to something larger than yourself, not only via religion or spirituality. Connection to nature or a higher purpose value like Love or Kindness, for example are other versions of feeling a part of something beyond yourself. This connection provides comfort, support in times when life feels painful & confusing.

Without this connection, it’s quite a short process before we are sunk into nihilistic thinking, apathy & feeling that life is pointless, that life has no meaning.

An indication that you may be experiencing this is chronic feelings that you “don’t belong.”

If you’ve been harmed by religion or another belief structure…this betrayal must be addressed.

PRIMORDIAL FEAR

Humans are quite fearful creatures…fear is instructional & our nervous systems prioritize fear & events that were threatening over joyful experiences to keep us alive. We are motivated by fear on a primal level, but we can extend our capacity to not see threat where there isn’t any.

The point isn’t to have no fear…that would be another problem! The point is to tend to fear in the mind & body &, thus, move “beyond fear.”

So often people adopt beliefs from religion & spirituality to counteract feelings of fear & vulnerability, resulting in “spiritual bypassing.” You might be bypassing if you are trying to use a view such as “everything happens for a reason” even though it doesn’t really resonate or ease pain.

let me help you to avoid the traps of…

  • getting caught up in existential questioning loops

  • getting overly focused on trying to be good or right that you aren’t being “real”

  • rejecting the body & your emotions…creating disembodiment or “soul loss”

  • confusing developmental depression with clinical depression

  • becoming stuck in “magical thinking” or religious rules that are incongruent for you

  • spiritual bypassing or spiritual materialism

  • interrupting your natural grief process

  • not tending to religious injury

  • thinking TIME will somehow solve your angst

  • denying yourself to such a degree that you actually are cultivating dissociation

  • judging yourself for not knowing how to feel happy

what helps heal existential pain?

First, we must acknowledge that we are in existential pain, disengage shame, resistance, denial & avoidance.

It’s very important that we interrupt when pain has BECOME A PATTERN. Humans tend to resist pain, both psychological & physical pain. We increase our pain when we deny or avoid it. It takes courage to look at our pain.

We work to cultivate connection to our own values & continue to work with any dissociation behavior patterns.

I’m often shocked at how many people have never been asked…by anyone..what they value. In fact, most people say their only experience with the concept of living life based on their values is having family & religion tell them what they should value.

It’s understandable why dissociation patterns might start to emerge, even quite early in life, when we are not being considered in our own life.

Efforts are made to create connection to others & something bigger than yourself.

Healing this kind of pain is not an intellectual process; it is an embodiment process. To be fully present & engaged in your life is the only way to be able to connect with others, the world & yourself. This requires lifestyle changes & a strategy for living according to your defined values, which might include a certain spiritual or philosophical view…but, it doesn’t have to as long as it resonates for you as a guiding principle.

Define practices & lifestyle to process grief, develop spirituality, life purpose & more…

Ultimately we are relational beings & it’s essential that we define how to meet relational needs based on our own needs & capacities. Connection needs to be cultivated…on purpose, with intention.

“I said: what about my eyes?
He said: Keep them on the road.

I said: What about my passion?
He said: Keep it burning.

I said: What about my heart?
He said: Tell me what you hold inside it?

I said: Pain and sorrow.
He said: Stay with it. The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”

-RUMI